Don't Look Back

When God calls you to a season of isolation it can be frustrating, and being alone can make you feel like you’re lonely. Isolation is supposed to be a time to seek God without stopping and because in those brief moments of feeling alone or disconnected from the world, I did what most people do I looked back and, in those moments, I began to be tested by the very thing I was trying to remove myself from. The person that I was working on healing and changing was constantly battling with the old habits and people I once connected with, they were all for the change until the changes wouldn’t allow me to do what they were doing and then I was left out of the outing and events.

 I tried focusing on moving into new groups of people, but my shame or background didn’t allow me to fit in with the people I thought were in a place I wanted to be. This left me by myself and in my thoughts, which the enemy started using to torture me. I didn't know how to defend myself, therefore it wasn't until recently that I recognized my defense was inadequate. I had been told to seek God and pray, but I didn't know exactly how to accomplish that.

I separated from God and promised to do better tomorrow or next week, but as soon as I turned to look back, I let my past control me and settled into the places I tried to escape. I now realize that the statement is true—move forward and avoid looking back since doing so will trap you in the past and allow your demons to take over the purpose of isolation was to strengthen my relationship with God and to get rid of the things that were holding me captive.

This is not something that was new to me and I’d been here many times but had failed previously because I allowed the enemy to come in and I began to listen to him when he told me I was lonely and needed more friends or a man. That I was missing people that I had blocked or removed from my life, I started allowing distraction to penetrate, by answering calls and opening doors to people in my past that was causing a gateway to unhealthy habits, because all I wanted was to be normal like everyone else. The problem with that was that those people were broken and hurt and looking for things to mask what was going on in their minds, hearts, and lives.

Changing things takes a lot of work that is uncomfortable and requires letting go of the old to even embrace anything new. Opposition was what I faced and instead of fighting I settled for things that were never meant for me all because it was easier to be in pain and know what hits were coming from verses every time I felt like I was evolving, I got smacked by an attack and I didn't know how to defeat it. I was weak because I was playing both sides. In the world and wanting God to reach me in the world instead of cleaning my life up. I wanted to continue to party and hang out and have the man with God’s covering.

 I was forced to choose a side, as I decided to get right with God, the attacks became stronger and I felt like I kept losing. I was being played by people I thought loved me and because I was in a low place suicide crept in through soul-ties and sin was trying to kill me. I would intentionally stay high and drunk to be numb but it began not being enough, eventually leaving me wanting to take my life. The night I got serious about ending life I remember being so high and scared and I began to pray and ask God not to take me but to help me come out of this place.

This was a process, but a process that I now know was important. Isolation helped me draw closer to God and removed strongholds like alcohol and weed. I stopped sleeping with man and broke connections with people that were a part of the old me. I began to learn who I was and enjoy the time alone and the peace. I rediscovered hobbies and got to learn who Felissya was and what made me happy instead of trying to make others happy. I had a standard about who I allowed in my life and who didn't fit. It's a work in progress but this time I honestly believe I broke the cycle of looking back and being captured.

The key to breaking the cycle was to stay covered and around people that were where I wanted to go. I removed all access to my old life and stayed in prayer with people who were in place to hold me accountable and believed in the goals set. It is a daily battle, but I remind myself of where I was and where I refuse to go back.