Be still

To say it's difficult to turn your life around and adjust would be an understatement. My life changed drastically in what felt like an instant, and to be honest, it was a swift change that frequently made me wonder if I was doing this right if I was hearing from God or taking what he gave me and using it without pausing to seek his blessing. In the past few weeks, I have battled more with my former self as part of this healing process. Coping with insecurities about not being good enough, not looking the part, and wanting to return to a world I had to fight so hard to escape. for a night.

I had the impression of a cartoon character with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Several people advised me to give in to the temptation of reverting to my former self since I was not flawless, while others cautioned me against doing so because I had come so far to put myself in a situation that could negatively impact the woman I had battled to become. I decided to keep focus and pay attention to the advice I felt was correct. I prayed and cried out to God asking what was I to do and why was I having such a hard time in those moments God began to start showing me to stay the course with words in my devotional or movies that I've watched even scriptures. One scripture came to me and spoke volumes “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4).

When the trials become too much to bear, and I begin to question whether I should move or remain where I am like usual distractions from old problems begin to take over. I started having problems in school and was unable to complete assignments, my children were becoming overwhelming, and I was looking for an outlet and found no relief in anywhere I thought to turn because if it wasn't unappealing the guilt stopped it. I had to keep going even though I was struggling I had to hold still and wait for the Lord. He demonstrated to me the importance of accountability in my journey and the necessity of finding someone to hold me accountable along the way. I also needed to replace old, unhealthy habits with some healthy ones to help me resist.