Final Surrender

2024 I began to improve myself and reestablish my connection with God. He started to tell me things about my situation and relationships as I prayed and sought his face. He positioned me in front of a mirror and made me examine myself closely. I was brought to my knees by everything that was shown. Dealing with rejection, abandonment, and mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse has made my life appear cruel and unfair, but I have persisted in putting aside the bad and forgiving those who hurt me and made excuses to deflect. I was hiding scars by leading a life I thought was honest and constructive.

I went from being a wife to a single mother, lost family, and watched people lose everything they had. In the same gestures that I was fighting to help them and be their rock, they were being dishonest, hateful, and attempting to take away everything that I had worked so hard to build for myself and my girls

I eventually stopped fighting and began to give up and gave in. I felt weak and over it, but God wouldn’t let me stay in that place. I would find myself in places I didn’t belong and hear the lord say turn around, go home. He would point out the wolves in sheepskin even in an inebriated state of mind making it hard to stay around them so I would dance the night away because at least at that moment I didn’t have to talk to anyone, and I could release and feel like myself.

The streets were comfortable to me because of where I came from and my upbringing but just like my childhood I didn’t fit in, I felt displaced like I didn’t belong. It was a moment that became a lifestyle and when I pulled away it tried to swallow me, and I tried to drown in it.

Some people saw me for who I was and told me to go home and stay there, keep rising and for those people, I'm grateful and appreciative of the encouragement. I had been trying to juggle being an active mother, working a full-time job, and maintaining a relationship be everyone's therapist or atm then adding Hennessey weed with a night of partying and after partying. It was too much weight to bare and when I saw that I was empty I fought to get back under God's covering. The years of hurting and not being seen brought me back to my first love, back to the one who chose me first and never left me. It brought me back to God and after a year of working through restoration and learning to surrender my life to God. He told me to pick up the pen and tell my story. I pray that my transparency through my life testimonies will encourage others or bring understanding to those who live a similar life.