When Life Changes You

Suffering internally has been my prison. I suffered from many things and rejection was the number one pain. The thought of being alone crippled me and at times still does. Felissya was never one to fit in groups and you couldn’t define me. I was passionate beyond my years. Meaning I couldn’t always communicate on the level of most people my age but the depth of a situation would strike you silent with wonder and confusion. Embracing myself was not easy and I struggled into my adulthood to understand the power I held deep inside, to afraid to release because of the rejection that may come with it.

We as people in a world full of evil have become victims and even with our faith have become powerless. I let the world change who I was because I wanted to be accepted amongst people that if you want to be honest I did not care for. They were mean, selfish, confused, and most of the time unknowledgeable of who they were. However, the hurt in me built barriers around who I was to become someone the world deemed appropriate.

Every lie, Every Abusive action, created in me a person that became unrecognizable. The worst part of it all I began to reject myself and built a larger barrier within myself causing strife in my mind(an internal battle of the mind and spirit). I cried out to God and asked him to restore in me what I lost. However, what he revealed left me puzzled.

The world and people of the world left me injured and my wounds had not healed. So to protect myself my personality changed and acted as a band-aid. I switched up who I was to be more appealing to the world and as I began to do that the barriers that had already formed got thicker to the point that the little girl inside of me who was battered and bruised was left sitting in a dark place in myself waiting for me to break through the bondage to find her to make the women who are maturing and becoming strong and assure of who she is to break through all the hurt and pain and irrelevant noise to come back and reconnect with that passionate, loving, selfless person and become whole. To become one whole person instead of a broken half.

Embracing my true self is something I still deal with to this day because I let the world change who I was. Every pain created a different personality within me to the point I lost that one side of me that I truly loved. So many times we don’t even realize we’re changing until it's too late. The problem for me is that I saw the change but I did nothing to prevent it because I didn’t want to feel the rejection that came along with being myself. What people would call naive, I called compassionate and a believer of spirit. The Lord was walking with me to knock down all those walls one by one to find that girl who is sitting in the dark waiting patiently to be restored.